Saturday, February 26, 2011
rats and sham weddings
easier to catch than a chicken.
A few friends and I were in a small warehouse that was empty except for a tractor trailer. Sky was with us. The warehouse had been poisoned because of a rat infestation; every now and then I saw a sickly looking rat hobbling about. We were discussing the best way to round up the bodies and get rid of them.
Every time I turned to look at Sky, though, she’d be chewing on a half-dead rat or pigeon that she’d caught. I told her no and she dropped them.
Later I was a pre-op MTF transgendered person getting ready for my wedding to a woman. It was a sham wedding I was doing as a favor, just to get her benefits or a green card or something. I was still attracted to men.
Even though it was fake, I was annoyed by how blase everyone was acting because it was still my wedding. Guests would wander around the house and come and go from the ceremony area outside, milling about long after it was supposed to have started. Also no one seemed to care about my dress. I almost ended up going in a weird outfit that looked more like something an elderly female hairstylist might wear in the 80’s.
But at the last minute I found a pretty good dress that was blue and white, but before I wore it I had to enlarge it because it was doll-size. In the mirror I combed my hair to the sides — it went just past my ears — and thought I looked all right as a girl. Then I stared at my chest and realized I had absolutely no desire to have breasts, which made me wonder why I was transgendered.
Friday, February 18, 2011
reception is better there i guess.
For your wifi connection
A book I’d worked extensively on was being made into a movie. However, I didn’t really want my name associated with it because it was embarrassing, so the studio asked me to strikeout any part that referred to me. Damien and I sat down to do it. It was a a long and tedious process because I had to find every mention of my name and cross it out, and I was looking at multiple copies and would forget where I was. I got really frustrated and gave up.
My mom and my brother were doing a bike race, so I decided to join them. They were doing it more competitively, but I was just in it for recreation. As we rounded a corner, we wondered where the hell Elisa was, and then we saw her coming toward us on roller blades, flanked by Jacquie and Andrew on bikes.
After the race I was at Damien’s parents’ house, which didn’t resemble their real house, for some sort of party. I’d spent the night there along with his entire family, so everyone was getting up and getting ready for breakfast.
There was only one bathroom, so people were lining up for showers. But I needed to use the restroom first, and they let me. I peed and when I flushed the toilet, it started overflowing blue 2000 Flushes toilet cleaner water.
It was still kind of gross though, so I wiped up the spill with some paper towels, then started looking for some 409. I looked under the sink and found a bottle of something that looked like Pledge, which was perfect because the toilet seat and the floor were both wood.
I pulled the bottle out and realized it wasn’t Pledge, it was something called a Sparkler, a device that shoots little sparks in the air and improves a home’s wifi signal. I looked under the sink again, and sure enough, there was the router. I put the Sparkler back and left the bathroom without showering, figuring I’d taken up too much time already.
Monday, February 14, 2011
like lord of the flies, but without the death, and so forth
This, but smaller and underwater.
Damien and I were creating a new combination documentary/reality show where we wade through the ocean collecting interesting shells. The “ocean” was about four feet deep and very clear.
In the dream this was a very artistic idea, so I was pleased to discover that we were already up for an Emmy before the show even aired. I went back home to Clear Lake to prepare for the Emmies while continuing production on our show from there. My assistant Mia from Scholastic was there with me to help.
At some point there were a couple children on motorcycles in our driveway while I was letting Sky out. I asked them what they were doing, and when they didn’t respond, I told them to “Get the fuck out of here!”
Later I was disappointed to discover the Emmy nomination was for some YouTube video we made years ago, not for our current ocean wading show.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
a good backflip might’ve been more points
Before daring us to give it a try.
Damien and Nate and I were taking part in a race. In the first part we were on a boat paddling on putrid, stinking water, and we came to a gate. It would’ve been much easier to open the gate by jumping in the water first, but it was gross and I discovered I could still reach it from the boat.
So I opened it and we passed, and then we found out by staying in the boat we earned an extra 50 points! The team behind us fell out of theirs, so we were doing pretty good.
For the next part though we were required to swim, so we got into the river. Suddenly there were about seven of us, including Vicki, a co-worker. The water was murky and opaque, the color of milky tea. But as we floated along, we passed a sign that said, “Entering Higher Water Quality Zone.” The river turned crystal clear, and we drifted into a little natural pool surrounded by rock walls, kind of like Hamilton Pool.
There was a family of blue seals playing in the pool! They were doing elaborate flips from the rocks into the water. One of the girls on our team decided she wanted to try doing a backflip, but she didn’t want to startle them. So she explained to them, in English, what she was about to do.
One of the seals seamed to understand and started barking at the others, translating what our teammate said. While she barked, subtitles appeared beneath her and I could see her translation: “She says she will do a backflip.” There seemed to be some murmurs at this from the other seals.
The girl told the seal that she would try three times. Again, the seal translated, but not perfectly: “She says she will fail after three attempts.” More murmurs from the seal.
All eyes, human and seal, were on the girl as she got into position. It was totally silent.
Then Damien’s alarm went off.
Monday, December 20, 2010
dogs are spider-man’s best friend
I went to go see the new Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark musical on Broadway, starring my friend Gideon Glick. It was just a sneak preview or a dress rehearsal or something rather than the full production.
Rather than have normal seats, they had us stand on one side of a large warehouse room, while they performed on the other side. At the beginning of the show, they released a bunch of dogs. Each dog was trained to go to an audience member and lead him or her to another room.
I was looking for a specific German Shepherd/Lab mix that I knew, but missed him, so I ended up with a dog that wasn’t very well trained. But he led me and the other audience members to another room offstage where we found we each had our own tiny compartment set into a back wall. We were to climb into the compartments and sleep until the next part of the show.
I had to climb in feet-first, since the compartment was so tiny. As I was getting in, I heard a bunch of construction noises and looked out the window to my left. It was only 7:45 a.m., and by New York City law construction can’t begin until 8:00 a.m.
I expressed my annoyance to Gideon, telling him that construction companies disregard this law all the time, and when you complain to 311, they never do anything.
Then I woke up to the sound of construction outside.
forgive me, dear leader
I was a North Korean citizen trying to defect to the United States. North Korea had decided to allow travel to other countries, but they put all prospective travelers through a rigorous and intense, multi-part interview process to weed out anyone they thought was in danger of leaving permanently.
I arrived at the airport in my town, ready to board a flight to Pyongyang, which would connect me with an international flight. I met with a number of screeners who each interrogated me in various ways designed to test my patriotism and loyalty to North Korea.
After several hours and several interviews, I passed by pretending that I had lost my legs below the knees, which I tricked them into believing simply by walking around on my knees or on all fours. The guards never noticed my shins folded behind me.
When I arrived in Pyongyang, I met up with several coworkers, all of us elated at having passed the first test. Then I began meeting with more interviewers. Throughout the entire process I was extremely nervous, because if the guards realized I was lying or that I was planning to defect, they would arrest me and my family and sentence us to a lifetime in North Korea’s labor camps.
During a part of the interview in Pyongyang, I got on my knees again to feign having lost my legs, when I realized that no one at this airport knew I was legless, so I didn’t have to lie about it anymore.
I woke up before I found out if I passed.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Reducto is my favorite.
I don’t remember why, but I was casting Harry Potter spells left and right. The ones I recall using by name were Incendio, Reducto, and Diffindo.
All three are destructive spells, which means I must have been fighting something.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
pallin’ around with stupid bitches
"You fuck off!"
I was leaving a building, heading for the elevators, when unexpectedly I passed Sarah Palin and either a daughter or husband going in the opposite direction.
I knew it was childish and there was no provocation, but I also sensed it would be my only opportunity, so I yelled out, “Fuck off, bitch!” as I walked by. It felt both exhilarating and mildly shaming, like I had done something right but for the wrong reasons.
Sarah appeared taken aback and hurt. She replied, “You fuck off! Don’t yell at me!”
This only fueled my anger, and I explained to her the many ways she had wronged America. She disagreed, and eventually we parted ways.
Awkwardly, we ended up at the same elevator a few minutes later, both of us seething but determined not to acknowledge the other. However, there was a big pile of cash on the floor in various denominations. It was very much in the way, so I started moving it with my foot to get it off to the side, not wanting to appear to Sarah like I was trying to take it.
Then several federal agents burst in with guns. It was a raid! The money turned out to be drug money, or laundered or counterfeit or something. Sarah and I were very cooperative.
Afterwards, the agents informed us it had actually been a test — they had placed the money there and staged a fake raid to see how honest we were. They told us we passed with flying colors, and left us to take the elevators down.
Having shared this adventure, Sarah and I were on friendlier terms, laughing on the way down to the lobby about what had happened. But in my head I was still thinking about what a stupid bitch she was.
Monday, July 26, 2010
don’t do drugs and drive into things and people
I was in the Caribbeans meeting with a small group of people who lived there.
They all knew each other and I was the outsider staying with them for a few days. Everyone was polite but it was a bit of an awkward situation because I didn’t know anyone.
casualties. (just the horses.)
At various points in the dream we would be on different islands: Jamaica, Aruba, Barbados — though we didn’t actually travel, the setting just changed. Sometimes it was night and sometimes day. Usually it was hot.
At one point we were sitting around a table talking, and I noticed the woman to my left was drinking tea made with one large walnut-shaped nut that was steeping in hot water. I asked to borrow the nut and she gave it to me graciously, and I made myself a cup with it. It was delicious and I told her so, and thanked her politely. I got the impression it was a kind of local gourmet thing.
Later, some of Damien’s family came to visit: Three men including his father and a grandfather. Everything was going fine. Then somehow they and some of the Caribbean people we were with got in an altercation that ended in four people’s arrests.
At some points in the dream, we were all really just actors filming a movie about two families that meet for the first time, while at others, it was actually happening outside of the movie.
Later there was a man driving a school bus who plowed into a sedan waiting at a traffic light, sending it swerving into a car in the next lane. A truck in that second lane then crashed into the school bus. The two became entwined and rolled over the first two cars, plus a couple others. By the time the accident ended, there were six or seven vehicles involved, plus two police horses. One of the sedans was completely flattened. One of the horses was lying in a crumpled heap.
The school bus came to rest right-side up. The driver expressed his relief at that. Then Sandra Bullock, who had been a passenger, appeared next to him and scolded:
“There are more involved here than just you. How do you think those people felt when you rolled over them,” — here she pointed at the flattened car — “and they realized they had no chance? To mention nothing of that horse. So yeah, keep that in mind, Jack. At least one person died here today.”
The school bus driver felt bad. His eyes looked red, which made me wonder if he was high on marijuana.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
horrible creatures
camel spider version of the adult
There were these new giant bugs that were starting to show up everywhere. In their larval stage, they looked like large roaches. In their adult stages they looked like either scorpions without the stingers, or giant camel spiders. Some had wings that would buzz furiously.
They also multiplied like crazy and would build these creepy nests. If your place got infested with them, you had to take literally everything out and poison-bomb it.
That’s what happened to this coffee shop that my friend TJ Martin worked at in the dream. I went in one day to find a bug nest behind one of the hallway doors. The next day, the coffee shop was completely empty and smelled like roach poison. TJ was behind the bare bar and explained they emptied and then fumigated the place.
Later, I walked into a Greek grocery store with Mia Bhimani. There was no one else around and some of the lights were off. Next to this display of cereal boxes we heard a loud buzzing sound. When I looked down, I saw some of the bug larvae milling about.
I pointed them out to Mia just as she stepped on one in her sandals. We got out of that area, but then saw some of the scorpion-like adults walking around. I shrieked like a girl and the dream ended.
rafi's dream blog 